There began a journey which led me to powerfully encountering a life changing God through Jesus Christ, the Son of God, my Lord and my Saviour.
Go to Rehab and I said “Yes, Yes, Yes!”
Independence Day
I moved to Shrewsbury on July 4th 2000 to Gordana House, a Christian drug and alcohol rehabilitation. I came straight from a detox hospital and after a clear drug test was inducted into the program. I was in a real mess, I weighed 9 and a half stone and my arms and legs were swollen with abscesses from using. I was suffering from drug induced psychosis, severe depression and so physically weak I wasn't able to carry my own suitcase.
Bible Bashing
The thing I wasn't really sure about Gordana house, it was run by Christians? One of the residents showed me around and that evening he came into my room to check I was OK? He jokingly said 'I would end up one of them bible bashers.' I got angry and said “As long as they kept that rubbish away from me and I would sort myself out."
War and Peace
I started the program and my life began to settle down. I quickly put on weight, I brought new clothes, new trainers (Rehab Classics see below) and went from a grayish pale colour to a bronzed summer suntan. I was going to the gym, swimming and enjoying all the different activities. I was going to the group sessions and learning new things about addiction. I started my counselling sessions and began to open up about my life. My life was stabilizing for the first time in years.
On the surface, It looked like I was doing well but inside, I was in just as much of a mess as when I started. The internal battles were raging and I was losing. One day in a counselling session, I shared how I used to love to draw as I was growing up. The counsellor picked up on this and asked me to draw a picture of where I would like to be in ten years time? I took the paper and pencil and drew a dove, “I would like to be at peace” was my response to him. Suitcase or Belt?
The critical time came 3 months into the rehabilitation program. The counselling was starting to make me look at some painful things from my past and I couldn't see a way through. I sat on my bed in turmoil with thoughts racing around my head a thousand miles an hour. I was thinking what can I do? I just wanted to escape this torment. I could only think of 3 possible options. I could leave the house and try score some drugs in Shrewsbury, I could pack my suitcase, go back to Chesterfield and score some drugs, or I take a belt and end it all now.
Cry for Help!
I found myself saying a prayer, “God if you are real, please help me.” I began to cry for the first time in many years. I sensed somebody had just heard what I had said and I felt something that I had never felt in my life, peace. I cried for hours and the more I cried the more I felt this peaceful presence with me. I went down stairs the next day and began to tell everybody “God is real!” I am sure this wasn't really a surprise to the Christian staff but I think it was quite a shock to my fellow residents.
Weddings, Funerals and Enjoying Church?
This week was different, I sat at the back of Barnabas Community Church. It was a lively, vibrant Church and I found the people to be very warm and welcoming. It was very different from the usual wedding and funerals I had been to in the past. There was a full band leading the music, people seemed to be enjoying singing and raising their hands in the air. I sensed the same peace I had felt in my bedroom and I felt quite overwhelmed with emotion. I didn't know what these people had got but I wanted some of it.
Restore the Years
A man stood up to read from the bible and he said “God can restore the years the locus have eaten, He can restore the wasted years.” There were about 300 people in the room that day, but it was like God Himself was speaking to me.
The Invitation A lady shared how they were going to run a course for anyone who wanted to find out more about the Christian faith. I signed up for the Alpha course.
Who Do You Say I Am?
The course was great. The people were so friendly and they fed you as well. Each week there was a talk on different aspects of the Christian faith. Things started to make sense during the 'Who is Jesus?' talk. The speaker gave 3 possible options of who Jesus was, 'mad' (he was deluded), 'bad' (he was a deceiver) or He was who is said is was 'God' (the Unique Son of God). I was convinced about the latter. This left me with a dilemma, if He is who He says He is, what am I going do about it?
All like Sheep have Gone Astray
The following week was 'Why did Jesus die' this was a significant talk in my understanding of what it is to become a Christian. It isn't about going to Church, being good, or wearing sandals. There is a reason Jesus died on the cross. It is for sin. The bible says that 'all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23 I found in the group time, some people thought they were OK and they weren't bad sinners, I didn't. I knew the life I had lived and all that it entailed.
We were asked to close our eyes and picture a green mountain scene. On the mountain there are sheep, what colour are they? Reply: white Now picture the same scene, but now there is a thick covering of snow. What colour are the sheep now? Reply: Greyish? Yellowish?
The Big Problem
The speaker explained, it does not matter what your background or life experience if you compare yourself to the Holiness God, we all fall terribly short and look horrendously filthy in His sight. We all have said, done and thought things that are wrong. The bible calls this sin and this sin separates us from God. I realized I had got a big problem. The bible says “the wages of sin is death.” Romans 6:23. The problem was worst than I thought.
A Leopard cannot change his spots, but God can!
The message of Jesus I heard that night transformed my life forever.
God is love! He so loved the world that He sent Jesus so that if we believed in Him, we would not die but receive eternal life. John 3:16.
The speaker explained, if we confess our sin, God is faithful and just and He will forgive of all our sins. He will also cleanse us of all our filth. 1 John 1:9
I'm Alive because You're Alive
I could have walked into a mosque, temple or synagogue but I would have never heard the next part of the talk. Mohammed is dead, Buddha is dead, and Abraham father of the Jewish faith is dead. The Christian faith claims, Jesus is very much alive and well. The speaker gave convincing evidence for the resurrection of Jesus and because God raised Him from the dead we can have a new life. The bible says 'Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!' 2 Corinthians 5:17. This sounded to good to be really true, he was saying I could have a clean slate with God and have a relationship with Holy God?
The Blood Red Skies
I was invited to a mid-week twenties/thirties group. It started with a social time and then moved into a time of singing. During one of the songs, 'I Will Offer Up My Life', I closed my eyes and I saw a vision of Jesus on the cross. The sky behind the scene was red like blood and I knew it was my sin that had put Him there. I asked Him to forgive me of all my sin and asked Him to give me a new life. I was filled with an overwhelming sense of peace and love. I knew with certainty, I had been forgiven by God. I didn't know anyone in the group to tell them what I had just done and experienced. I went back to Gordana House to speak with my key-worker and explain what had just happened. His reply to me was “How many people have you told you have become a Christian?”From Heaven Like a Dove
The Alpha Away Day is a part of the Alpha Course, some time is taken to explore the questions 'Who is the Holy Spirit', 'What Does the Holy Spirit Do? And 'How Can I be Filled with the Holy Spirit'. During the prayer time at the end of the day, I prayed and asked to be filled with the Holy Spirit. I experienced what I can only describe as an overwhelming peace and joy, only this time it was coming from the inside. One of the ways the Holy Spirit is described in the bible is of a Dove, I remembered the picture I drew in the counselling room and knew from this day on, I would never have to go back to a life of drugs ever again. Tell the World
